Emotion: Fear

As a person who has always struggled with anxiety, I have come to understand that it can be its own thing and often what gets overlooked is what it is protecting and covering. Anxiety often eclipses many emotions, but for me, it is often fear that it is covering. And let me tell you, I despise it! I have worked on appreciating it, but my brain can't seem to distinguish when I am in danger or not.

Fear is a powerful emotion, one that can hold us back from our true potential. It is scary to navigate life, even in the safest of circumstances. Our survival brain can't always tell the difference between a low bank account and a lion chasing us. It can be overwhelming, but it is important to recognize the lessons that fear has taught us. I often ask myself, "What has fear taught me?" in order to acknowledge its existence. Another question I ask myself is, "What has fear held me back from?" Finally, I ask myself, "How do I know what fear is like in my body and what to do with it?"

Fear has taught me that I am human, that I am not invincible. It can be a liar, masquerading as protection and love, when in reality, it is just fear. Fear is fear, and it needs to be acknowledged as such.

Understanding the difference between a life and death situation and one that just requires caution can be difficult. Emotions can't always distinguish between the two. I am currently going through some transitions in my life, and I have to remind myself that it's not a life and death situation. Fear of living and trying in this adult world comes from upbringing of scarcity, not having a lot in the beginning. My childhood experiences, how and where I was raised, and my parents' divorce all contributed to this fear. I am afraid that I will fail and not survive, but there is no failing at life, only trying and trying.

When fear shows up in my body, it usually starts off as anxiety, fueled by catastrophic thoughts of uncertainty and death. Physiologically, it can manifest as a craving for sweet or comfort foods, actual stomach pains, jaw clenching, and intrusive thoughts. But I have come to realize that I can still have fear and live life. Fear just means that I care enough to take things slow and pivot when necessary.

Emotion: Anger

Idk if this will be a series or anything I mean I am barely posting on here but at least it will give me some prompts to follow and of course they will all be from my perspective. This will be my experience with anger. According to some psychological research there are 6 core emotions that have stayed through out evolution. Anger, Joy, Sadness, fear, surprised, and disgust. And like evolution humans have learned to deal with these emotions in many ways.

Anger is something that people will always experience, it tells us something is hurting us, that we want-to/should defend ourselves, it has it evolution in survival. From the lens of a society that highlights two gender constructs, it is not a surprise society is more forgiving and/or accepting of male identified people when they are angry. This will be true to my experience, and I don’t mean that I have issues with anger in the stereotypical sense; actually quite the opposite but we will get to that later. What I have learned and noticed is that the significant and formative male figures in my life have always had issues with anger; can we say “Intergenerational trauma.” Either showing it too much, seemingly the only emotion that they have the capacity for, and/or just an emotion that they want to be in all the time.

From a “toxic masculinity” lens, this makes sense, it is what society will encourage, it will even be celebrated within groups that contain mostly males. From the outside looking in, in one social example, in order to get through a problem with another person or problem within a relationship, if they are just angry or respond with overwhelming anger the other person will either leave, or submit. Both outcome will “deal” with the problem because of the emotion of anger, so its reinforcing of itself. I’m also noticing that as men get older depending on how pervasive anger has shaped their life or the demeanors with anger has been wielded (consciously or unconsciously or even subconsciously); there is a noticing that their relationships are fragile, little to non-existent, or hanging on because of a sense of rules (like family, history of a relationship, monetary dependence, etc.) There is a fine line on when anger can then be abusive. Anger isn’t always abusive, however when gone unchecked and not dealt with responsibly, and depending on upbringing, it really is a slippery slope.

So why paint it that way first when I just said that Anger isn’t always bad, because I acknowledge that I am calling out the ways anthropologically it has effects for people. Well I want to speak to my experience with the other extreme per se. Because of the examples of anger that I have had; I have learned that anger is unsafe, even justifiable anger that I feel, that is telling me something or someone is hurting me, I seem to not allow myself to feel it. So what happens to that anger? It turns into something else, and not always all of it, it is expressed inward, and in my case it even takes the form of physiological responses in my body (stomach pains and bowel issues). It really is something that I have been struggling with, and I’m not saying I never get angry or upset. It’s just a realization I am having as an adult. Yes we still develop as adults. So how can I let myself feel this anger healthily, express it, and learn from it, without enforcing the ways, or reminding my body that it is unsafe. Hot yoga has been one way for me to try that, where I let anger be around and its hot in there and I am shaky just like anger should be. Another is writing about it, creating a voice memo where I am just yelling and saying what I think about someone or something. This is all new to me and I am 31, as of writing this post. I have been channeling anger against myself, it turns to sadness and anxiety. This emotion cannot just be turned into something without paying the price. In my experience the price is what chips away at my values, and sense of self when I don’t acknowledge what anger is telling me about the situation, its not safe nor the person or relationship, that I’m being hurt in some way. So I am learning that anger is just as important for me to keep in check because if not, I will just damage myself.

When I teach these skills of anger management especially for people that have been told “they have issues with anger,” one example that I share is that anger is like a tea kettle that is being heated up and we need to turn down the heat so that it doesn’t whistle (when anger is already in control). What I mentioned before are ways to make that happen. Another way that I teach is to open the top so that it just lets off the steam, that can look like walking away from the situation, taking a cold shower, take cold water behind the ears or face, yell into a pillow. But what if it does whistles? That could means we are overwhelmed with anger and walking away safely from the situation or place is best. But with the same example, the water is still hot and the heat is still on. So in addition to just opening the top and letting off the steam, we need to do the same skills to turn down heat or turn it off complete. And to pour out the hot water is to be accountable for our thoughts and actions, that anger caused. There is little shared responsibility from the situation and perhaps another person but what I teach men its to be accountable for their thoughts and behaviors. And since they are responsible for those they are to make the decision to leave or stay. Me typing this is not a skill teaching course nor is it intended to be. For some men this takes a whole year of skill building, and practice.

I write this because just as what I teach I need to practice it for myself, I need to be responsible for anger. Not the wielding of anger but, the way it has harmed me by not expressing it or taking its lessons. Because while it has proven difficult to express it, I need to be reponsible and take care of it before it affects my body, and when it does, do what I need to lower the heat. Because if I don’t it will manifest as pain, sadness, anxiety, and physiological issues, and the cost of my sense of self will be due.

Chores: A short story

It was a cold and gray spring day, and the first thing that is needed to be done is to get the laundry done. Thinking about the rest of the day and how it was going to go, the weather was not helping, one would think that being in So Cal it would be nicer already; global warming at its finest he said to himself. He is a particularly anxious fellow, and it takes quite a bit for him to get started in the morning. Especially from an evening of rain and being woken up by a strange dream about a cat that he did not have. Funny enough, he did want one, but was allergic to them. He got up in the morning and started to get his things ready. This was something learned about dealing with the feeling of anxiety that the goal is to function not to avoid it, he was going to be anxious the whole day and he still needed to wash his clothes. He thought how annoying it was that he didn’t have a washer and dryer in his home, but he has been doing this for a while so it wasn't that bothersome. At least it was cold and not blazing hot, but still his fingers would move slower than normal. He notices that he was getting more anxious thinking about the day; and how much he needed coffee. He also remember that as a kid he would think that having a place with stairs meant you had some money, now as an anxious adult, he understand that having a washer dryer unit in house was much more of an indicator.

He packed his laundry got into the car started praying that he would be safe on his trip, even in small distances it was important to think about safety, now was that his anxiety speaking or his many lessons from his parents long divorced, that were left in his mind, probably both he thought. He starts to drive and starts to play something on the radio not to enjoy but just to have, not that he was paying attention to anything else but the road.

He got to the laundry matt put his clothes in the washer, he set a timer on his phone, just to ensure maximum efficiency of his time there. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the stillness of that and the real sense of equity of all people that went there, everyone needed to wash clothes he thought and he is just like everybody else and everyone is just focusing on their chores not thinking about you or noticing you, this was another tactic that he learned to keep his anxiety at bay. He continued back to his car, just to sit and watch some anime, as to do something with his brain. He thought about the book he brought but something about reading was not appealing, he hadn’t eaten since last night. An episode gone by and its time to take the clothes to the dryer. He puts his headphones in ignores the sounds of the people and hurries to put the clothes in the dryer. He liked this laundry matt there was always an open washer and dryer and place to fold his clothes, even though it was about a mile farther than the one nearest his house, it was better to deal with because he wasn’t worrying about availability or time. Although once he needed to drive even farther because his laundry matt of choice was closed for renovations for one week. What would have been a 2 hour trip turned into a 5 hour shift of looking up reviews, distance, and planning. Just another thing anxiety is like when there is a disruption of routine; while adapting is not the issues it’s thinking about all the options and potentialities that could happen. Anxiety makes one always conscious that things are changing its just making sure he feels safe in those places is the issues. Most people appreciate his attention to detail, but don’t appreciate his presentation of it, something he learned to use in work settings, and was conscious of that he needed to self care afterwards. He learned that the hard way.

While anxiety has it’s workings and also obstacles, he did think that he’d reward himself with a another coffee for himself, it took him so long to go to places alone, and he remembered that his goals was to function not to get rid of it.

WFH or WFO

Working from home has been a love and a hate thing for me in the past almost two years now, I mean with the pandemic raging on one of my jobs has informed me that we will be working form home well into next year and honestly it makes sense, I fully expect for there to be another lock down, its just a matter of when not if, because people are really vaccine hesitant. With that being said here is what I have been thinking about work from home, and some things that just makes WFH more bearable.

I have been through three desk set ups, now. Luckily I have enough space in the room to have a desk, but I have gone through three versions, and have ended up with a standing desk. This was a gift form friend that was no longer using it because it would have been close to 600 dollars I if wanted it on my own, I just needed to purchase the bolts that it needed.

I definitely do not miss the commute and the traffic. I still get up early and try to enjoy my morning. As a person that is always concerned about getting somewhere on time (at least sometimes) when I was needing to commute I would try to leave the house early to either meditate in the car when I got to work, and/or I needed to find parking. So leaving on time was also an hour before work started.

I am cooking more, and I am able to enjoy my lunch better because I can keep it in my fridge. I do miss the people that I was working with, and I miss the quiet with working in an office setting. There is also an advantage with working from home if there are people that depend on you, but that is also a disadvantage if that means that they always have access to you, or you have access to them. I find that my organizational skills are the same and that I am needing to put them in use more often, and oddly enough I still use a paper planner. Working from the office I would at times have the ability to leave work at work, with working from home I do find that I am working longer on tasks.

All of this to say that I am liking working from home and I would also like a dedicated office space to do my work, I also think that once I am needing to go back into the office as soon as I experience traffic again, im going to wish I was solely working from home lol

You’re a non-negotiable

What is a non negotiable in life. Some could construct this as boundaries or deal breaker, or something that will help with better decision making. What I am learning that all of these are based of personal experience of oneself. I also don’t want to make this about other people, so I ask this question again, what is a non negotiable in life, and for me it; it’s that taking care of myself is my ability to take time with and for me. What I have learned is that self care is not just a means of getting through the hustle and has been commoditized. It is still something I both desire and need to replenish my energy. It is easier for some and a practice for me. Especially with these winter months; here in So Cal I think that I would not thrive in a darker place. The non negotiable of being human to myself.

Mental health routine spring to summer - 2021

whoa, who is this, is this still a thing, its been a minute since I posted. And I wanted to update my blog with routine in what has been helping me get through this, so a more positive skill check post. But rather a blog post of productivity, because I have not been, this what I have been doing in order to help with my mental health. I have been doing what is called morning pages. Morning pages is actually something that is done to help with the creative process, it is a way to get the clutter out of your mind so that you are able to focus on creativity. That is how is as reading about, but I think I am doing a similar version but it is not for a creative process.

Morning pages for me is something akin to journaling with stream of consciousness rather than a subject or a review for the day. A blog post for example would be more like a journal post compared to “morning pages.” When I do Morning pages it’s as soon as I get up, or shortly after I grasp my iPad, or I go to my desk and I just type whatever is flooding my brain and I am getting it down on my notion section. This stream of conciseness writting is not something that I going back to correct I am not making sure that words are spelled correctly, I am not making sure that it makes sense; the thoughts are sporadic and at times not even connected, it is honest, raw and at times scary, it holds my fears as soon as I wake up with then, my anxiety that is in my head and that has lingered, its not a plan for the day; it literally is a dumping place for my thoughts, anxieties, questions, fears, sometimes hope although not the point of it. The purpose of this type of morning pages is to help mimimize my intrusive anxious thoughts for the day, they get the center stage in the morning, and they take a back seat during the day. and I have been doing this for 30 days now. I actually have found it to be very helpful, does it make my anxiety go away completely, no, but for it to be helping during the pandemic, must mean there is something to it.

In addition to that I have continued my meditative practices, I usually will meditate right after I do my morning pages. I am sure that meditation is a factor, I also think it is a package deal for me right now. I write my morning pages, and then I meditate. My mediation however will have a purpose it is to calm my thoughts and just watch them go by. I have also been meditating around the idea of age and material things and that I am just a visitor in this physical realm. Where I am meditating over the feeling/understanding/philosophy that consciousness is just energy and that my body, however real and physical, and mine that it is; is really only a vessel of my consciousness and energy. This gets a little “ohhwoo” but has been helpful for me as I am getting older and as I am hyper vigilant about changes. This is a my body, and my body will have pain and also have joy, and both are temporary. Honestly this is so difficult for me to come to terms with and accept, so this is a practice I am wanting to keep at. I think the philosophy would argue (if i am externalizing it here) I really am not getting the point if I am trying to accept this as it brings suffering. However that is for another post.

In my 30 days, and counting of my morning pages process I have also included other ways of keeping with checking in. I have found a Notion template that allows me to also track some habits and I will use a paper journal to write at times. There is something about writing things down and never looking at them that feels good. there is also some “poetry?” on my blog write now, it is on my meditation section where this will go. It honestly is so bad but it is connecting me to when I was a teenager and would write like that, with my angst and emotions. I have been learning that we may loose that way of expression that we had when were younger and I think it would be fun to be able to reconnect with that.

Wow this post was way longer than I intended it to be. Take care.

Select A for peaceful or B for hangry

I completely like the idea that we can construct a reality that suits us and our needs and that language creates culture and maintains culture. I mean that is what some organized entities rely on, such as religion, corporate hierarchies, institutions, families; Even in relationships and work. but I want to talk about the idea that naming something like an emotion is so helpful. It has also been so helpful for me to understand what I am experiencing, and trying to process. I think that a mistake that can be made is that naming is a finality to something and I am here to tell you that is not the case. Identity is fluid and culture is always changing, while tradition is something about culture that can make it stronger, I also think that is what makes it scared of change, however not today, not talking or debating about that.

For me something about being able to name what is happening for me physiologically, emotionally, and even environmentally helps me organize what I am feeling and helps it place where it needs to be. Naming and saying out loud that I am upset or annoyed or disappointed, really helps move it from just festering in my chest or throat, to something more manageable. Now it doesn't mean that it goes away it just means that I am able to deal with it more effectively, and not let me be impulsive. Something to think about, when impulsivity is present within your body, name what is being felt, why it is being felt, and what is informing that feeling/emotion. Usually that will help place it where it needs to be and "process." Our bodies are already doing the processing so we need name our physiological states to help "process" those emotions. Process is in quotes because there are several ways to name our experience another word I like to use is "digest" (see naming is creative also). Emotions are so important to listen to; its immediate and experiential, and at times good to let it run its course, but not to the point where it controls all you behaviors. And naming while "digesting/processing" can help with that.

Lately it has been saying out loud my physiological state that has been helpful; like when I am upset, when I am sad, and when I want to relax. Although relaxing and doing nothing is like my default way to recharge haha, any other ambiverts out there? Any who, stay safe out there, and take care!

Choose your character: Sympathy & Empathy

I have been asked several times to define the difference of each and how perhaps empathy would be better suited for a people to move forward in social areas because it would make us kinder towards each other. I don’t know if that’s true but I have witnessed a lack of empathy for a long time. So it makes me think that if empathy is something that can be taught? Is it a skill you’re born with and some more than others? Is sympathy the first step before empathy? Are they symbiotic? I don’t plan to answer all these questions here but it did have me want to writes something about it. I won’t get in too deep with the science of either but there is evidence that as a human species we have brain neurons (mirror neurons) that when we physically see and/or hear, of an experience that is not our own; the brain lights up in specific areas that are dedicated to both sympathy and empathy. Which prove that it’s an inherited and evolved ability needed for survival of the species. I recall a study where babies will not cry unless the parent shows them they are in fact hurting via facial expressions.

I use to work at a place where I needed to teach this concept of ‘Sympathy & Emaphty’ and the majority of the responses that I would get when taking an initial inquiry about this were: “Sympathy is saying I feel sorry for you, and empathy is I feel with you” OR “Empathy is when you put yourself in someone else’s shoes.” The latter one was a metaphor and either of those are great to help with the concepts. Now that I think of it, metaphors could activate the same areas of the brain as we try to convey a feeling using our words or stories. The thing was; how do I teach that. So, if we have a good understanding of ‘sympathy & empathy,’ then why don’t people implore it often? Is it a question of whether it’s efficacious in our daily lives? So it has me critique our society in the US of A. 

If it has not been said before the society of the USA, are a very individualist people; perhaps all people are and this concept is only hyperbolized in literature and media of the USA. Which is technically a reflection of our society or a means to control us (that sociological question is for another time). However, in my field of work  its been validating of individualism (well for a majority of groups that I work with), ‘something doesn’t mean anything to you unless it happens to you first hand, or pretty close to you.’ 

I am typing this during the time of COVID so it seems there are many prime examples of people not taking empathy into consideration or demonstrating that there is a willful choice not to enact on empathy (because I know its there people!) I have to assume that there is a sense of sympathy we have as a people to what is happening with the pandemic, but it’s not enough to move people into action; so is empathy not reached? If that were the case it answers my question that empathy is the latter development of sympathy if and when its paid attention to and followed through. Furthermore, I am thinking (hoping actually) that if we all had an appropriate amount of empathy then we would be taking the pandemic seriously and to the severity that is required of us, and not wait till it happens to us personally or close to us, (that last part is already in question) 

In the spirit of thinking critically, I suppose that it is not a lack of sympathy per-se, but it is the autonomy of people to be able to choose how to use it. Some may choose to feel sympathy and act on it, and others only choose to act on things that align with their personal morals, values, thoughts, past and current experiences. 

There is a tinge of worry, I have within our society; that our alignment to individuality has answered another question of mine. Sympathy & empathy are human abilities, but the skill is the human’s will to wield it. So if we look at people that way, (not to say that I do, but just a perspective). Sympathy & Empathy are both things we are born with, to some degree, but we choose whether we want to use that ‘muscle’ or not, and that, is terrifying. 

When will it end?

Im struggling with posting more mental health advocacy posts because of the pandemic and I have been dealing with some anxiety and nervousness around this.  I want this to end I want social injustice to end I want there to be a vacccine to prevent this. I so long for a sense of community where my anxiety is not part of it, but I know what there is no going back; going back to system that wasn’t working is not the way. Doesn’t mean it’s any less daunting to think about. So let me start with some numbers that are helpful for some. 

National suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255

San Diego Access and Crisis hot line: 1-800-724-7240

Trans lifeline: 1-877-565-8860

Reddit: Mostly for support and have some place of anonymity to connect with others that are also going through it. 

I also think that starting some inner work and wanting to start sessions with a therapist and/or counseling whilst staying at home and quarantine could be of great benefit for people. There are several great therapist that are still having online session and are skilled and able to help, as always there doesn’t need to be a diagnosis to start sessions. 

Therapy den is a website that is great to find a therapist that may match your cultural background and have those that work on a sliding fee scale. As well as Open Path (another website) which has a flat low fee to reach therapists. Asana is an online counseling app that centers around BIPOC counseling and therapists. 

With this I am saying that I cannot compare everyone’s experience with mine but I have some good weeks, and by good I mean I just work and play animal crossing and read while I watch the day go by, and some bad weeks. And by bad I mean I had cried all night and my sleep has been out of routine and my dreams have been vivid and I wake up either gasping for air or thinking that something is going to attack me. Eating too much or not eating enough, So I’m feeling it. And its okay, I want to say its okay. 

Take care all.  

Chutes and ladders — Noticing patterns

As the season is changing and we we fall back and hour, oh that sweet hour extra of sleep. Something has come to mind, I am thinking of the games chutes and ladders because within this year already I have noticed climbs to something more career wise also chutes because my own imposter syndrome and thoughts of inadequacy put me two to three steps back. However one thing I can notice is that with change I am learning to be more tolerant of them with the condition that the change is not a dramatic or a grave one. 

I learned in graduate school that an only constant in life is change. This rings true if we are in a stage of transition and our identity is in flux, depending on where and when we are. But, does it mean we will never find stability or comfort? And that is where my noticing of patterns comes along. I have a set of ways of being with certain groups of people and places (and combinations there of). So how do I notice a pattern of a chute vs a ladder. 

Chutes are set backs things that we do or are noticing that we are doing that seemingly set us back to habits that we don’t prefer and habits that bring out a side of us (well me) that we don’t like. Ladders are things, events, ways of being that can be called progress; they take work and motion to go up. Ladders or progress come with its own obstacles like as gravity or missed steps as progress in any form is not easy, but they are going somewhere. 

I have been trying to be really attentive to ways that I deal with a chute or set back. First is noticing what I am not doing and what I am doing less of. This can be eating more “junk food” than normal or eating less healthy, within reason because a burger at the right time and mental space, just hits different, (although fast food was staple in my childhood for reasons economically, but that discourse and deconstruction for another post). Another, is not wanting to hang out with people that make me feel “normal.” Also a big one is noticing that I am obsessing or checking something, be it health wise, money wise, email wise (dang technology is too everywhere too much, the irony of this blog’s existence). It’s an increase in those actions that should tell me that a chute is happening or will happen. Another is when I skip a couple days of meditation or when I am being flat emotionally, (*someone screams from the background* yeah, and irritable also). Those are some patterns that I track and that means that I need to do something to help me to a ladder again. 

A ladder is progress; and in my career it’s “climbing” something that feels like progress such as learning and more experience means I get paid more. It does comes with its gravity and missteps named and salient with feelings  and thoughts such as, “I don’t belong here, I don’t know anything, how am I going to help this person.” I am making note that I have to be more compassionate to myself and understand that there will always be a chute when I feel like I am climbing a ladder. I have to choose to enact patterns that will keep me closer to a ladder and deal with a chute. So which pattern do you choose for yourself when there is a chute to your ladder, the former or the latter? (LOL that was a pun, what if this whole post was just to use that pun.... okay it wasn’t but yeah, notice your patterns to cope with a chute, to keep your ladder!)

Are your boundaries set?

Let’s speak about boundaries and how and when to use them. The answer is… always. 

According to the internet aka a google search; one meaning of the word relationship is “the way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other.”
Sometimes relationships (amicable, familial, and personal) all have this discourse that our personal and emotional boundaries can be crossed without personal permission. This gets a little tricky because when I set my boundaries and they’re crossed, in order to re-set them or remind the other party of them, my firmness is confused with being rude, mean, being a jerk, ungrateful, and/or insecure. However, that is not the case, personally, I feel bad and actually sad that I have to set a boundary and remind others of them (but that might just be me). It’s a reaction I have, and it feels like I didn’t meet the expectation(s) of that relationship(s); then I start to feel self-conscious about my role and purpose in that relationship. But, that is the purpose of this post, to help myself feel better about setting a boundary, especially if I am not having a good week or day. 

In this post I will not teach boundary setting but will be vocal about how I set my boundaries and the emotions that are behind it. If you would like to learn boundaries I would ask yourself what parts of your interactions with people (or within your relationships) do you feel are being taken advantage of? What is the purpose of the other persons action or behavior towards you? (using empathy differently and used as a self-help tool). I would also advocate to talk to your therapist about boundaries. 

A boundary within family, I have learned that I need to take some time for myself, and this boundary is definitely crossed and misunderstood by family members. Such is the case of fulfilling family obligations because we are younger, or its not going to look good if we become the cousin that doesn’t show up anymore. I have been a culprit of crossing my siblings boundary and forcing them to hang out with me when I visit (and I have needed to directly apologized for that). 

With friends, I have found that I need to be able to say “no” more. The insecurity around this boundary is that, if I don’t say “yes” then I won’t be invited to other friend get-togethers and hangouts anymore. Personally, I have found that I can say “no” to a particular part of a hangout. I’m also leaning that I don’t need to give an excuse as to why I can’t do something. A consequence of saying, “no” might actually be less invites, however it’s just as much my role to check in with friends and be involved if I want to have something of a social life. (Random thought: I feel that retirement homes for us millennials might just be huge LAN parties, if not that is what I want my retirement to be, don’t steal my idea!). 

In personal relationships (you know those intimate, bf/gf/partner ones; if I wasn’t clear about that), I have learned that boundary setting and crossing needs to be a continuous conversation(s). Is it exhausting? Yes! Are boundaries always changing? YES; hence the continuous conversation. A partner should be capable of being supportive and that should be reciprocated. At times one partner needs more support than the other; and how much of our boundaries can be compromised for the strength of the relationship. This one is tricky and let me tell you I am still learning for this one.

None of these are meant to be the definitive and exhaustive list of boundary setting, just some personal examples. Every person and culture are a universe of exceptions and discourses that are adhered to and make up our individual experiences (I cannot stress this enough).

So, are are your boundaries set?

#FNF - A friendly non-friend

A Friendly non-friend - Therapist/Mental Health Counselor.
Therapist - A professional that treats mental health conditions by psychological means rather than medical means.
Mental health counselor - A professional that treats people with a wide range of mental health issues including but not limited to anxiety, depression, PTSD, difficult emotions, life stressors, etc.

There is a stereotype that therapy is just a place people go to where someone listens to people talk about their feelings and vent. While that is true, there is some really difficult, and most of the time liberating and healing work done through therapeutic sessions AND they may be some of the friendliest and nicest people you may encounter; and not only because it’s their profession. 

Note: not all therapist have to be nice and friendly but lets keep these humans in positive regard for the sake of this post ;]

Brings me to my point, a therapist is a “friendly non friend” or, FNF for short. Therapist have many ways of practicing therapy and/or psychology. Some think they are mind-readers **OooOo**. Naw, thats not it, they have just studied human behavior for a while. A therapist may take a not knowing stance and have you come to your own conclusions to solve a problem (done judiciously), and help with your quality of life. They may offer some very directed changes in your behaviors to help get you out of some problematic thinking habits and actions; they may even give you a diagnosis. That sounds scary but ultimately it helps give reason to some thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. 

All be it, a therapist is there to support you in your journey of life. Kind of like a friend, at times even like best friend, they will get to know part(s) about you that you didn’t think you would tell people. So this makes you vulnerable with them, and hey guess what… they respect that and help you feel respected. Guess what again, you have learned to be vulnerable with another human and you didn’t combust into flames.

Being empathetic, understanding, courageous, and at times able to challenge your beliefs you may wish they were actually your friend. But, there is a huge caveat, they are not… its not that they don’t want to be, it’s just that they are professionals. No not a professional friend, or a friend you pay for. They are professionals that can help you get through some really tough times, like a good or even great friend. And therapists can be FNF’s and that is to help you. There are many ethical and legal reasons why therapist cannot be your “real” friend, and that is to help the client and keep them safe. Therapists are there to provide psychological services that ultimately have people not come back to therapy, until they need it again. Therapists are working in the room while being FNF’s to reflect some patterns that my be troublesome or worrisome. They are there to help families that are dealing with grief, help couples regain some friendships and love. Help a teenager living with depression feel human again. Therapist are FNF with skills to keep the public and yourself safe; Get you to back on track to feeling human again, not perfect just human. 

So go find a FNF that can help you get some inner work done, lets break the stigma, just like you go to the gym for your body, you go therapy for your mind. There are different reasons to go to therapy, check this blog out if you want to read about some reasons to go back. 

When to go back to Therapy

Its 2019 and if you have not been to therapy, you need to start, we are too old and too millennial to not be doing the inner work we need to do to make a difference in the world. Gemini season on the rise I feel that my cosmic energy is also on the change, there may be some visits or flare ups in mental health needing some attention.

Whether it be from a fight(s) with your significant other, family, or close friend(s). Maybe we are noticing that there is more “tension” than usual in our life and relationships and friendships; maybe work isn’t feeling that great. That is why I am blaming gemini season, and yes, I checked mercury isn’t in retrograde…yet.

You are not the problem, the problem is the problem and you have the power to deal with and approach the problem.

Using self care techniques and self reflecting techniques you have decided to go back to therapy. So let this be the sign; go text and/or make an appointment; and let your therapist know, new or previous, that you would like to start up again. 

So how do you know when to go back (this is not an extensive or exhaustive list): 

• When you are not feeling yourself

• After a visit form depression and/or anxiety  (flare up and old self care techniques are not working)

• When your triggers are too real (happening and constant for more than a couple weeks)

• When others have noticed that you are different (significant others, coworkers, family, even pets)

• Feeling stagnant in your journey (life journey, career, general feeling of stuck-ness)

There are few things to note, that you don’t have to go back to the same therapist it is helpful because they know you. A new therapist is the start of a new relationship and new perspective. I would recommend switching to a new one if you feel that you have outgrown your older one. With the same token starting a new therapeutic relationships may be work that you are not wanting to do all over.  

The benefits of keeping your previous therapist or familiar one rather; is that you don’t have to “start all over.” I do want to note the privilege there is in keeping a therapist you are familiar with and they are usually out-of-pocket payment. Medical insurance therapy/therapists usually switch out because they are booked quickly and may be only short term because of the medical insurance providers policy. 

So yeah therapy isn’t forever but just like any other medical, mental health, or flare up issue; you go to the doctor to get it checked out. Therefore, you go back to therapy and get that worked out and feel human again, not perfect but human.