Where do I go from here?

So something big happened with me just recently, I had a tooth extraction!, alright that is not what I was going to blog about although that experience was the worst. However, something huge did just happen for me, it was getting a piece of paper saying that I am eligible to practice without supervision, not to give to much away but I work in mental health. This is more connected what it means for a person that came from where I came from to reach something and no longer have a blueprint on what to do next. The experience and uncertainty of upward social mobility.

I don’t think that this gets talked about, or at least it is my anxiety that is getting the best of me, that when a person that makes it through the public school system, being supported by a mom that worked over 12 hours a day (and still does at times), being considered lower income, bajo recursos in Spanish, meaning low resources in English, getting himself through college and grad school under constant criticism, fear of being outed, then coming out, living with anxiety. It’s not talked about how scary it is to reach what our parents only dreamed of, and now on my own and think “fuck okay I did it, I reached the top of this mountain…fuck, now what?” I can’t speak for all immigrant families, lets be clear about that, however when they come to the US the dream of making it, is rightly called a dream cause its foggy, dreamy, thick with possibility, but also a little unclear and seems to change with time and context. Again can’t speak for all immigrant families.

I am getting a lot of societal messages about what I SHOULD do next, open up a business, start working 40 hours a week, you know just accept it, and move on and do what you do, fucking pay taxes and shit (literally). It’s not that I can’t ask for support or that I don’t have it. I am just in some uncertainty and some discomfort, about this place that I am in. It’s like another coming of age, from a person that didn’t think that they would make this far. That one foot in front of another shit worked a little too well, I manifested a little too hard haha. I am appreciative of all that it took for me to get here. I know that it took so much for me to get here, so much for me to even put one foot in front of another. It’s like grief, saying goodbye to something that was a struggle and reminded that without it I wouldn’t have been motivated to be here. What has been helping me process this is talking about it, sharing the really funny story of that day.

The day that I took the exam I actually lost all of my identification, I had to bring it to show who I was and then as I was going to my car to put things away, it fell from my hands and fell down a storm drain on the side of road. I called the city and everything to get it and they said that it was a no go because by the time that they got there it would have been in the ocean.

Now I am thinking of what I want to do next, and I think that I want to start something new and start another life project, because that is what school has conditioned me to think. I think what I am looking for is another blueprint, but I also want to live a softer life, because dang was it difficult to get where I am. I am so proud of myself and I am scared at the same time.

Too soon or not soon enough.

I really hate the pandemic it took away my ability or at least the comfort to be with people during Lunar New Years which is more meaningful for me than the Gregorian calendar new year, also I wasn’t able to celebrate with my loved ones because of it as well. Doesn’t mean that I can’t reflect. I read something before 2022 new year that went something to the effect of ‘don’t let the let the last week diminish the growth and learnings you had this past year.’

That is so true, this past year learned that commitment is a working relationship. I started a new job which is why I have been posting so sporadically. And since I have been going out less I have less photos to post as well, I didn't get to live out my fall fashion fantasy because I have been hermiting this whole time, and one of these past weeks I was crying throughout the day for 2 days. I am looking fwd to a few things this coming year tho, I will be making some big moves, being more independent, and I will finally have a space of my own (I hope) I also want to spend more time with people that I love and care for; also more delicious coffee! the world is going through so much and I can’t even begin to imagine the insignificance that I hold in the grand scheme of things but at times that is also helpful to just think about how small I am in this vast universe and the globe. With a heaping dose reality that Southern CA is so fucking expensive! This year will be filled with beauty, stability, health and wealth.

Things will clear up in two weeks and then you x_x

I am actually so stressed, and I am screaming out into the void to let it know that I am here and I hope , and I know that I will be able to make it. The weather is starting to change to fall and that means that it will be more gloomy that it will be sunny. So the mood is going to take a little bit of a down turn, I hope to take more vitamins to help with that. In addition I am back on my coffee BS right now. I have learned to take that in moderation, because too much creates anxiety and too little to none will causes a headache. I stay close to the meme that says, 'adulthood is just saying this will clear up in 2 weeks and they you die' lol that makes some sense. Another said, 'From 25-65 are the soul wrenching years of your life because all you do is work,' that one makes sense right now also. In the time that I have been away from blogging. I started another job, so I am working the 40 plus hour work week just like the statistic of being an American, and getting paid peanuts for it. My goal is to do absolutely nothing for one of my rest days.

The big three-oh

So I turned 30 while at the potential slowing down of the quarantine. As I write this CA has lifted it's restrictions for fully vaccinated people and as my last post said myself and my family are fully vaxed. I had a birthday last year in the middle of it, so I was thinking that I should not count this year right, technically I am still 29, but that is not how time works, even though time is a construct. What is a reminder for certain of my age is my body, I fully feel that my body is now fits with the actual "old soul" that I was describe myself when I was in HS, oh how naïve to the world I was then. In addtion to physically feeling older, I also have different expectations for things and people, as to expect with age, as well as some body aches. I asked my mom what she was like when she was 30 and she said, “oh mijo ya tenia tres hijos, so I was trying to make money to feed y’all.” When I asked my dad he was pointing out the ways that he had to work harder than anyone he knew when he was my age and just ranted for an hour... While both of those interactions were letting me know that I am a very different 30 than they were and it is a very different time. My parents divorced when I was 4 which was also when they were in their early to mid thirties; so that gives me some insight on how things were, but that story and the implications of that in a different post (this is a semi happy, modest post).

I am a very different 30 than my parents were, according to some media and coloquial language, I am a geriatric millennial, and a product of the most advertised and marketed children in America to date. So it makes sense that consumerism is conditioned and it’s taking work to unlearn that. Also as a different 30, this is an economy where most people can’t afford to purchase a home on their own, when in the past they could, resources aside. I am different 30 because I have the internet to look things up and I have adaptability, and know how to use technology. In addition to that, I think that I have the ability to apply some of the awareness (or hypervigilance) that I have learned while growing up as a child of immigrant parents and anxious. Also the older I get the less I really know about the world and some things I know better than my parents, and some things they defs were right about.

So happy birthday to me as I imagine what I want my life to be like, I choose happiness.

95% immune to your BS

I am 95% immune to your BS. So let me tell you I am realizing that this blog is just a blog of a stress, that I am sprinkle with some highly opinionated, science-ee, counsel-ee, psychology-ee (lol) subjective experiences; and sometimes travel. But this post is about me getting my vaccine for covid-19 the moderna version.

So to start off yes there was some vaccine hesitancy around it and think that is informed by my anxiety and also my family not understanding the science behind the vaccines, also from some reading, that its also new technology as well. And yes there are things to be concerned about, also a simple google search would yield all kinds of things that are relevant to the safety and according to some people the lack there of. But I am not here to explain how and why some are wrong and or right that gets us no where in the efforts in trying to end this pandemic. So please lets get this done with so that I go back to worrying about my regular anxieties and triggers... hahaha😑

Here is a little play by play on what it was like for me to get the shot:
I got the first shot in January. The first day was filled with anxiety and my already broken out face got some new breakouts. That night I slept okay. The next day I got a low grade fever and and it lasted about 5 hours at night, I just kept warm and ate some ice cream, the fever didn’t go above 101 degrees Fahrenheit. The next day I had terrible headache that lasted all day. It was like a caffeine headache that would not go away times 10. I then took the day off and watched anime all day. The following day I was feeling better. And then by the third day it was just the residual arm soreness. And by arm soreness I mean, I now know what it’s like to be hit with a bat, cause my arm was really sore.

The second shot I was being told and from what I was reading that it is potentially a worse reaction than the first time. And they weren’t lying, the same day that I received the second dose; in the evening I got a fever but I didn’t take my temperature. I needed to raise the temp in my room to like 82 and had three blankest because I was shaking and shivering like crazy while in bed. That night I didn’t get a wink of sleep. I needed to take some acetaminophen in order to get through the night. I also woke up with a headache, not at bad as the first time, this was probably due to the acetaminophen. But as the day progressed I felt better and I also did absolutely nothing so that helped, all while still taking meds.

I understand that there is vaccine hesitancy and believe me, health being one of own triggers there was a cost-benefit analysis situation that was happening in my head in order to get it. When I spoke to my doctor they said that its better to get a reaction in this manner, low grade fever and headache, and maybe a couple days off with rest, because that means that the immune system is working; and it would be better than catching Covid and being in the ICU. Now by the time that I write and post this there are three options for the vaccines, where I live you do not get a choice and you get what you can, there are also vaccine shortages, but that is expected. I encourage people to read about the studies of these vaccines and not the news articles about it or headlines because that is causing more people to be vaccine hesitant. It was scary but it was also the less risky choice for my health and my family. Of course if you cannot get the vaccine because of your own medical reasons, that makes sense and always consult a doctor, I did via telehealth, so didn’t need to go in to the office.