Emotion: Anger

Idk if this will be a series or anything I mean I am barely posting on here but at least it will give me some prompts to follow and of course they will all be from my perspective. This will be my experience with anger. According to some psychological research there are 6 core emotions that have stayed through out evolution. Anger, Joy, Sadness, fear, surprised, and disgust. And like evolution humans have learned to deal with these emotions in many ways.

Anger is something that people will always experience, it tells us something is hurting us, that we want-to/should defend ourselves, it has it evolution in survival. From the lens of a society that highlights two gender constructs, it is not a surprise society is more forgiving and/or accepting of male identified people when they are angry. This will be true to my experience, and I don’t mean that I have issues with anger in the stereotypical sense; actually quite the opposite but we will get to that later. What I have learned and noticed is that the significant and formative male figures in my life have always had issues with anger; can we say “Intergenerational trauma.” Either showing it too much, seemingly the only emotion that they have the capacity for, and/or just an emotion that they want to be in all the time.

From a “toxic masculinity” lens, this makes sense, it is what society will encourage, it will even be celebrated within groups that contain mostly males. From the outside looking in, in one social example, in order to get through a problem with another person or problem within a relationship, if they are just angry or respond with overwhelming anger the other person will either leave, or submit. Both outcome will “deal” with the problem because of the emotion of anger, so its reinforcing of itself. I’m also noticing that as men get older depending on how pervasive anger has shaped their life or the demeanors with anger has been wielded (consciously or unconsciously or even subconsciously); there is a noticing that their relationships are fragile, little to non-existent, or hanging on because of a sense of rules (like family, history of a relationship, monetary dependence, etc.) There is a fine line on when anger can then be abusive. Anger isn’t always abusive, however when gone unchecked and not dealt with responsibly, and depending on upbringing, it really is a slippery slope.

So why paint it that way first when I just said that Anger isn’t always bad, because I acknowledge that I am calling out the ways anthropologically it has effects for people. Well I want to speak to my experience with the other extreme per se. Because of the examples of anger that I have had; I have learned that anger is unsafe, even justifiable anger that I feel, that is telling me something or someone is hurting me, I seem to not allow myself to feel it. So what happens to that anger? It turns into something else, and not always all of it, it is expressed inward, and in my case it even takes the form of physiological responses in my body (stomach pains and bowel issues). It really is something that I have been struggling with, and I’m not saying I never get angry or upset. It’s just a realization I am having as an adult. Yes we still develop as adults. So how can I let myself feel this anger healthily, express it, and learn from it, without enforcing the ways, or reminding my body that it is unsafe. Hot yoga has been one way for me to try that, where I let anger be around and its hot in there and I am shaky just like anger should be. Another is writing about it, creating a voice memo where I am just yelling and saying what I think about someone or something. This is all new to me and I am 31, as of writing this post. I have been channeling anger against myself, it turns to sadness and anxiety. This emotion cannot just be turned into something without paying the price. In my experience the price is what chips away at my values, and sense of self when I don’t acknowledge what anger is telling me about the situation, its not safe nor the person or relationship, that I’m being hurt in some way. So I am learning that anger is just as important for me to keep in check because if not, I will just damage myself.

When I teach these skills of anger management especially for people that have been told “they have issues with anger,” one example that I share is that anger is like a tea kettle that is being heated up and we need to turn down the heat so that it doesn’t whistle (when anger is already in control). What I mentioned before are ways to make that happen. Another way that I teach is to open the top so that it just lets off the steam, that can look like walking away from the situation, taking a cold shower, take cold water behind the ears or face, yell into a pillow. But what if it does whistles? That could means we are overwhelmed with anger and walking away safely from the situation or place is best. But with the same example, the water is still hot and the heat is still on. So in addition to just opening the top and letting off the steam, we need to do the same skills to turn down heat or turn it off complete. And to pour out the hot water is to be accountable for our thoughts and actions, that anger caused. There is little shared responsibility from the situation and perhaps another person but what I teach men its to be accountable for their thoughts and behaviors. And since they are responsible for those they are to make the decision to leave or stay. Me typing this is not a skill teaching course nor is it intended to be. For some men this takes a whole year of skill building, and practice.

I write this because just as what I teach I need to practice it for myself, I need to be responsible for anger. Not the wielding of anger but, the way it has harmed me by not expressing it or taking its lessons. Because while it has proven difficult to express it, I need to be reponsible and take care of it before it affects my body, and when it does, do what I need to lower the heat. Because if I don’t it will manifest as pain, sadness, anxiety, and physiological issues, and the cost of my sense of self will be due.