Are your boundaries set?

Let’s speak about boundaries and how and when to use them. The answer is… always. 

According to the internet aka a google search; one meaning of the word relationship is “the way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other.”
Sometimes relationships (amicable, familial, and personal) all have this discourse that our personal and emotional boundaries can be crossed without personal permission. This gets a little tricky because when I set my boundaries and they’re crossed, in order to re-set them or remind the other party of them, my firmness is confused with being rude, mean, being a jerk, ungrateful, and/or insecure. However, that is not the case, personally, I feel bad and actually sad that I have to set a boundary and remind others of them (but that might just be me). It’s a reaction I have, and it feels like I didn’t meet the expectation(s) of that relationship(s); then I start to feel self-conscious about my role and purpose in that relationship. But, that is the purpose of this post, to help myself feel better about setting a boundary, especially if I am not having a good week or day. 

In this post I will not teach boundary setting but will be vocal about how I set my boundaries and the emotions that are behind it. If you would like to learn boundaries I would ask yourself what parts of your interactions with people (or within your relationships) do you feel are being taken advantage of? What is the purpose of the other persons action or behavior towards you? (using empathy differently and used as a self-help tool). I would also advocate to talk to your therapist about boundaries. 

A boundary within family, I have learned that I need to take some time for myself, and this boundary is definitely crossed and misunderstood by family members. Such is the case of fulfilling family obligations because we are younger, or its not going to look good if we become the cousin that doesn’t show up anymore. I have been a culprit of crossing my siblings boundary and forcing them to hang out with me when I visit (and I have needed to directly apologized for that). 

With friends, I have found that I need to be able to say “no” more. The insecurity around this boundary is that, if I don’t say “yes” then I won’t be invited to other friend get-togethers and hangouts anymore. Personally, I have found that I can say “no” to a particular part of a hangout. I’m also leaning that I don’t need to give an excuse as to why I can’t do something. A consequence of saying, “no” might actually be less invites, however it’s just as much my role to check in with friends and be involved if I want to have something of a social life. (Random thought: I feel that retirement homes for us millennials might just be huge LAN parties, if not that is what I want my retirement to be, don’t steal my idea!). 

In personal relationships (you know those intimate, bf/gf/partner ones; if I wasn’t clear about that), I have learned that boundary setting and crossing needs to be a continuous conversation(s). Is it exhausting? Yes! Are boundaries always changing? YES; hence the continuous conversation. A partner should be capable of being supportive and that should be reciprocated. At times one partner needs more support than the other; and how much of our boundaries can be compromised for the strength of the relationship. This one is tricky and let me tell you I am still learning for this one.

None of these are meant to be the definitive and exhaustive list of boundary setting, just some personal examples. Every person and culture are a universe of exceptions and discourses that are adhered to and make up our individual experiences (I cannot stress this enough).

So, are are your boundaries set?