Let go

I will be the first to tell you that I do not let things go, so the pretty photo that I have here is a little misleading. However I am learning that letting go is not passive and poetic.
So what have I learned and what can I let go? Or maybe its the feeling of being let go?
Idk what I am trying to convey, but something that I can convey are my personal thoughts and feelings about letting things go. 

I have been known to keep a grudge (anyone see that movie btw it was the scariest thing I have seen when I was younger). Letting it go is not easy, idk why, maybe because it has something to do with learning to navigate the socially constructed rules that at times don’t align with our own emotional framework (emotions? framework? We’ll break that discourse down in another post). Yet, I still remember when someone has done me wrong, more importantly, how I let myself do something wrong and let myself down. And that, is what I am having the most trouble with, perhaps I am making the distinction here. Letting go of what harm was done to us is not easy but I am learning that a reason I can’t let go completely is because I am learning how to better tend to myself, maybe protect myself from this harm again. I ask myself, why can’t I let this go, why does it bother me, warn me, and at times trick me, into mind reading, and predicting something, that might or might not be true? (you know when you start assuming what people are thinking about ourselves, not fun) This post sounds a little cryptic, however I am connecting to traumas, mistakes, and attachment injuries (amicable and partner related).
I intend to let it teach me and I intend to go on.
Let go—

Reading to entertain

I have a stack of books. Self help, career helping/expanding, for fun. My favorited genres at the moment are sci-fi and fantasy; could be combined. It used to be dystopian, but after reading three trilogies, I would say it’s time to give that a break. 

Reading can be an escape and a form of entertainment. Not when I was in grade school, or college so much because the reading was for learning. However I feel as if there is a distinction to be made. Reading for entertainment and escape is definitely different from reading to learn. In graduate school reading for entertainment was a huge no, but a treat when I could and that was during the summer.

Reading to help calm my mind and ease my day, it has been a great resource and a library card is free. It would be so nice to enjoy a summer breeze and read all day. Sounds like my self care day is planned. 

"It's okay; there there" *pats head*

This was a stressful week, and while I was basically crying in the car because it was too much, (yes, men can and should cry). I learned that I don’t cry much as I should? That sounds odd but the body releases chemicals that make you feel better after a cry, not all the time and it depends really. Well this week on Friday it was one of those days, I had to cry because it was getting a little too much, and my body was telling me that I am tired and I need a break and some real rest. So I am taking a self care day which for me is to do absolutely nothing. Another post will go into the self care of nothing, and how nothing is actually doing something. But, now time for my nothing. 

Incoming challenger: Video games as coping

I have been a huge fan of video games for a really long time, I can say that I started with computer games when I was a child, yes they had computers in the 90’s. I remember that my dad gave us a computer and that he installed this DOS game that letters were attacking the city. Any who that was back in 1997. Then the handhelds come around and the world for me changed when I got my Gameboy. (Side note: does anyone remember pog’s?) 

When I had that, Pokémon was my game I played that game for hours and I even went through the cave in the game in the dark because, I was 10 and didn’t understand that I needed the HM Flash (if you don’t get this reference, you might be to young). When the gameboy color came out my dad got it for me as a Christmas present but he had to take my other one away from me. The thing is he didn’t tell me he was giving me the newer one. So he took my old one away, the black and white one and said that it was for him, since he was being deployed… I cried, a lot. He said he was going to give it back a whole 6 months later but that didn’t matter to me in my 10 year old mind. It was my escape and it was the way I was able to find accomplishments, and not have to be outside all the time. Back then it was common for kids to be outside on bikes and roller-blades, but I was picked on and bullied by the other boys, so this was my world ending. As I think back, yeah the reaction was normal for that age but, it makes me realize that it was something that video games let me do, and that was to take care of myself (I think lol). Not going to say that those 6 months were terrible, just was really mad that I didn’t have my gameboy, I forgot at one point that it was gone. Then Christmas arrived he wasn’t in the states but his gift was; it was a huge rectangular box (not the size of a gameboy I thought). I opened the gift and to my surprise, it was a gameboy color with Pokémon yellow and a guide! (that is why the box was bigger). I was over the moon as a kid, I am pretty sure I cried and my mom laughed, and I played all night. 

 I would say that at one point this coping mechanism wasn’t the best. I was really reliant on spacing out and not dealing with some things in my teen years, so too much of anything is bad thing. If anything is taken from this, its to know that video games as a coping skill is okay, in moderation. It got me through some rough times,  being bullied again in high school, my parental units fighting, helped me not mingle at awkward family parties (and I am multiethnic so some ti@s/tit@s are real inquisitive during the holidays. If you know, you know). My siblings and I bonded over video games, and I made friends that share the same interest. As an adult, I still look to video games to cope at times. And as I look around I think many adults regardless of gender look to video games as a way to pass time, spend time with their friends, and/or with their families. I still tend to use it to zone out for a little and relax, but also let me feel a little bit of frustration release.  

Now I use computer games and other video games for the same reason to escape and to help me feel angry in a controlled and healthy way. It’s still a coping mechanism but I do it more in moderation; more mindful now. I play to relax and not think except for what is at hand or at play (pun intended lol); I have to be present for the game in some aspect, and not let my thoughts/anxiety/nervousness win for an hour or two. And it’s okay to indulge in a game here or there because #selfcare. At times people are taught to bottle up anger and frustrations, however if done appropriately video games can be an outlet. And I am not talking about those people that yell terrible things in the mic (or in all-chat) of their online games by flaming, and BM’ing (some video game lingo for you). That is probably where I would say this coping mechanism is not healthy anymore. (Why you mad, is just game…. But also really, why are you really mad). If that is the case, therapy is just the place to talk about it! (Check this blog out on alternate view to therapy and this one for some reasons to go back). — gg.

We all have them

This blog was intended to be a post about mental health awareness and life style, so I thought it wouldn’t be fair (to me that is) to not talk about the bad days. I hesitate to share due to my career, friendships, family, and relationship. However it wouldn’t be on brand if I didn’t share, lol. 

This week is not a good start of the week, I was informed that mercury is in retrograde and that the cosmic energy is in flux. I’ll take it, cause I feel shitty and my mind is latching on to something that doesn’t make sense but also seems to real to let go. Self care is to meditate and control my intake of caffeine, and try to get out of the house and into the sun.