Chúc mừng năm mới! — Happy Lunar New Year!

Since 2017, I have been celebrating in some form the lunar new year, some may know it as Chinese New Years, however many Asian cultures celebrate the lunar new year, the title of this post is in Vietnamese. When I first got invited it was by my friend Andrew, I was going through a really (and I mean really, really) rough patch in my life, (I mean when am I not lol). It was a time that was dark for me emotionally and there was a lot of uncertainty in my life, which can make any human freak the F*** out. However I made it a point to let my friends know that I was going through a low, and I was invited to his family’s home to celebrate and partake in the Lunar New Years celebrations. Speaking for myself and my experience here. Lunar new year is one of my favorite celebrations there are vibrant colors amazing food; along with hopes, wishes, and prayers for good luck and good fortune in the new year. Each year is dedicated to an animal of a zodiac, I was born year of the goat (greatest of all the time, lol that was a bad millennial joke). This coming year is year of the rat. I asked my friend if I could go to temple again, and be part of the celebration as I was feeling pretty stressed from the week (honestly, month).

We start off the night with dinner as a whole group, feeling like family. Then we play a New Years game what you place bets on symbols. We played with quarters and for some reason got up to whole dollar bills, lol. Good thing was I got my laundry money from that night! Some of us lost but the real winnings was the camaraderie and laughter that filled the room. After, we head to temple around eleven to midnight. I grab some incense and light them, going to each statue to pray (wish and hope) for good fortune and great health for my family, friends, loved ones, and myself. Then placing one lit incense at each statue. Afterwards, I step into the main part of the temple and play a ‘game’ with these half moon shaped wooden pieces where where I let them fall; one needs to land face up and the other face down before moving on the next part. Next, I kneel before an ornate alter And shake a canister made of wood with wooden sticks inside while my eyes are closed. Shaking with all my hopes and wishes (prayers) for a good fortune. I keep shaking until the first stick falls out. I look at the number take the corresponding fortune printed on paper that matches the number. I let my friends dad read it because I can’t read Vietnamese and he says that I will have good fortune this year, and do I freaking hope so!

I have learned a lot about myself in the last decade and lunar new year this year has felt like a more appropriate time to reflect on this decade.  In this last year leading up to the end of a decade I became more honest with myself. Starting to love parts of myself that I didn’t think were possible. This is in part due to the relationships that I am maintaining and forming. Knowing which ones serve me the best and reciprocate in the most organic way what I hope I am giving as well. In forms of respect, love, and friendship (this is getting a little gushy lol). Of course along with this I have become more cautious, and at times it’s hindering of my actions and makes my thoughts go wild. Either with age or just increased worries, some days are harder than others. But I’m getting through them with help. And this year I’m starting with honesty and hope.

I am not particularly part of any sect of spirituality or religion, but I was raised with some catholic influences from my mom’s side. And I do believe that having a sense of spirituality is beneficial for a person to navigate this, at times, too material world. Some forms of prayer is akin to practices of meditation & mindfulness, I may be over extending here but I don’t want this post get theoretical or theological, so I will leave this point as it is. Also, I hope this also doesn’t come off as cultural appropriation because I humbly partake in this celebration and tradition with my friends and their family.

The business of not being all about the business - Mind your business.

I hesitate to post something like this because it might anger some people and I am cognizant of the discourses around the foundations of our country and the ideas of capitalism, being able to own a business might be a means to the American dream. Also if you are here to think less of me or not ambitious enough or just a general want to put me down; be kind to yourself, don’t be mad or upset, have some tea, breath for a minute. 

Being a 1st generation child from immigrant parents, this is a discourse, dream, idea, that was ingrained in me for years (probably my siblings as well), and its not lost upon me that this is something that many 1st generation children might come to know growing up; hard work means recognition and success. While I cannot speak for everyone I will speak about my experiences.

As a perspective shift, I need to make it my business to not be all about the business; I don’t want my worth to be defined by how hard I work and how much sacrifice I make, because there is more to my life than what I do as an employee. To complicate this more, I work in a field that can be very validating. However I think that I need more than one way to experience myself to be able to show up for myself at work. I am learning that some sacrifice and “hard-work” is necessary, this might be playing into the hard-work means recognition piece, but more profoundly its something that I do value. If I am working hard and I feel that my effort will be recognized because of it, yup, that it going to feel good and will most likely play into that AND I need to understand that this cannot be my only definition of validation even then it’s not going to come. Is this tolerance, am I again playing into the game of being an employee? Asking my sociological imagination it is catch-22, having a career for income, and a responsibility to take care of myself. 

Entering adulthood, to give a name to this transition I am experiencing. Corporate America is definitely something that is being slapped in my face it almost feels like there are more than one America!? (That was sarcasm, because there are many ways to experience our America). It was starting to feel like my worth was being defined by my motivation to keep working harder for something that I feel that I wasn’t being paid enough for... not being valued for? Let me explain, this idea that if I prove myself by working harder and making sacrifices and then be recognized by my job as a good worker and be rewarded is not always true but it can feel like it, which can make me hamster in a wheel. A natural idea for as in school we are validated when we get “good grades” and within my family, you’re the “good son or good cousin” if you’re doing well in school. But, to make my point, there are too many people doing the same thing; so my efforts while they may go far beyond my required duties as an employee are not going to be rewarded, and I need to accept that. I know that I am still going to give my 100% because being a diligent and dedicated worker is a discursive value. I also need to understand that its okay to only give what is required.

Part of this transition into adulthood being a 1st generation child, I already have experience in living in multiple cultural realities, I mean, I do describe myself as a multi-cultural fellow identity wise. Having the ability to notice another dominant idea at play is easily salient for me. I could talk about imposter syndrome and the experiences of social mobility, but that is a post for another time. I am building my identity as a “working adult” in this adulthood. I am also taking space and taking time to experience myself not just as a worker bee. Maybe thats traveling, maybe thats this post, maybe thats reading a science fiction novel just for fun. Its something that I am attaching meaning to. It’s as if I need to promise myself that I am going to do this, AND promise that I am not going to feel bad taking care of myself. Give new meaning to minding my own business ;]

We need longer weekends all the time.

I have a post coming up about being a millennial and Corporate America; at the time of this writing the person with the most money at 114 billion dollars; Whoa. Before I post that; I’ll check in with myself. Once this celestial alignments have replenished my emotional energy, there also needs to be some down time in the process. I saw this meme online where a Taurus fellow is a person that says I have some time to relax and then all of sudden it’s death, haha; and isn’t that the truth. In identifying my worth. I’ll post an about me eventually. Coming back to ‘reality’ after a 4 day weekend is rough, it made the case of the Monday’s a little worse. Also when coming back from visiting my family, I always find it hard to leave them. I also am a huge believer that we should have three day weekend more, and show be the norm. Just saying. 

Funny story

Having a set of funny stories or something that you can tell at a party or a social gathering where people would think is remotely interesting is a talent to have, this may also be called the “small talk.” Some people are great at it, others are terrible at it, and all variations exist where you can be good at it and hate it and be good at it and love it, who knows only you can decide. Either way I want to share some stories that I share at a “party” to get my voice heard. 

The time I got saved by a life guard 
You would think that this would be a great story but it was actually pretty embarrassing but at the end of it all I am glad that I got saved because if I wasn’t, I quite literally might have drowned. So I was learning how to surf with my friend, and I have never surfed in my life (and still haven’t tried since after this) but I would consider myself a pretty good swimmer. So we were out in the ocean and I was learning how to ride a wave just on my stomach at least, but we were sharing a board. So we swim out together and then we take turns, and I was treading water for about 5 mins, and that in itself was too much. Naturally I decide that I need to swim back to shore and I will get my turn when she is done (thinking back swimming our together with one board was a bad idea). So I am swimming back to shore, and I guess I didn’t realize that I wasn’t getting anywhere near the shore, I just thought I wasn’t swimming hard or fast enough. Next thing I see, is a life guard and he is coming right at me on his surfboard, rescue board?, idk. And in my head I am asking, “what is he doing?” He gets to me and then asks,

“Hey you need some help getting back to shore?” 
I didn’t know I even had a pride until I said, “no I think am okay thanks for asking.” 
“Alright looks like you are struggling a little, how about you get on the board” 
“Umm no thanks I am okay….” 
“Alright ill just wait here” *literally waits in the ocean, on his surfboard, just watching my struggle with my pride* “alright buddy you have to get on the board” 
So I get on the board reluctantly because I am embarrassed and he says “you know you can help with the paddling if you want to” 
I reply, as my last form of rebellion and shame, “no, thanks, I am actually too tired” 

Walnut allergy
Thankfully I am not lethally allergic to walnuts, not yet at least according to the nurse in the emergency room because if for some reason, if I keep eating them it will get worse. Here is how I found I was allergic: 

One day I was at a local grocery store with a friend we were looking for lunch salads this were pre-made; and from what I remember they were giving away some free samples of walnuts. Naturally as broke college students we decide to take some, then I ask: 

“Isn’t weird that when you eat walnuts you get this weird feeling in your mouth like the skin of the walnut is there but like its like a film, ha” *looks at pre mixed salad bowls*
“What do you mean?”  
“You know like its like a weird feeling like when dogs eat peanut butter and they are just like licking cause it feels weird”  *still looking at pre mixed salad bowls*
“Umm Rio, that its not supposed to happen” 
“What do you mean it happens every time I eat walnuts” *still browsing* 
“Rio are you allergic to peanuts?” 
“Nope, I eat peanut butter all the time” 
“Rio… Then you’re allergic to walnuts!” *their voice elevates*
“What, no!, I can’t be…. *turns to friend* Wait, this doesn’t happen to you? *looks at their face and sees the confusion, fear, and concern* OH SHIT! I think I am allergic to walnuts!”

I stop and it goes away and I didn’t think much of it, I actually don’t eat walnuts often, lol actually idk who does. So that happens and I don’t give it much thought and I don’t test it, so then I forget, that I am allergic to walnuts. Then one day I was working at my barista job and a customer who is super nice and is a regular wanted us to have a treat from her home country, so she gives us this huge bag of this one type of pastry that she says is famous in her home country. It’s in the back of the store for employees to enjoy and the writing on the bag is in another language, in characters and not letters. So I proceed to eat one. I bit into it my surprise there is a nut in the middle of this chocolate and bread covered pastry ball. I then look at the bag and try to see what kind of nut… BAM there it is, a photo of her famous home country pastry, chocolate covered, WALNUTS! LOL. I stop eating it and then drink some water, and wait for the reaction to happen. And yes it does get worse with more consumption with walnuts I have, haha. It was exactly like a film was in my mouth and it wouldn’t come off, my tongue felt weird and it lasts for about 2 hours. Needless to say, I don’t eat walnuts, and I still forget that I am allergic. 

Let go

I will be the first to tell you that I do not let things go, so the pretty photo that I have here is a little misleading. However I am learning that letting go is not passive and poetic.
So what have I learned and what can I let go? Or maybe its the feeling of being let go?
Idk what I am trying to convey, but something that I can convey are my personal thoughts and feelings about letting things go. 

I have been known to keep a grudge (anyone see that movie btw it was the scariest thing I have seen when I was younger). Letting it go is not easy, idk why, maybe because it has something to do with learning to navigate the socially constructed rules that at times don’t align with our own emotional framework (emotions? framework? We’ll break that discourse down in another post). Yet, I still remember when someone has done me wrong, more importantly, how I let myself do something wrong and let myself down. And that, is what I am having the most trouble with, perhaps I am making the distinction here. Letting go of what harm was done to us is not easy but I am learning that a reason I can’t let go completely is because I am learning how to better tend to myself, maybe protect myself from this harm again. I ask myself, why can’t I let this go, why does it bother me, warn me, and at times trick me, into mind reading, and predicting something, that might or might not be true? (you know when you start assuming what people are thinking about ourselves, not fun) This post sounds a little cryptic, however I am connecting to traumas, mistakes, and attachment injuries (amicable and partner related).
I intend to let it teach me and I intend to go on.
Let go—